Rest In Peace, Little Angel

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, but I’ve been going through a lot of stuff lately, and I haven’t really found the time to write, when I was feeling like I could.

On the 27th of August, my godson, Rhodry, died. He would have been 6 months old on September the 12th (which was the day before my 21st birthday, yes I’m 21 now!). Dealing with his death has been hard enough on it’s own, but days after Rhodry’s funeral, I found out that there’s actually an investigation going on right now, because there’s a chance that Rhodry died based on bad parenting, or he may even have been murdered. It’s really scary stuff, and no one ever expects for something like this to happen to their group of friends, and we’ve all been taking it really hard. Rhodry’s parents used to be good friends of mine, but we’d recently grown apart. They’re young to be parents, so during the first 4 months of Rhodry’s life, he lived with me on and off. I loved him like he was my own baby, and now that he’s gone, and B and A MIGHT be at fault, my heart is shattered. I’ve been helping the detectives out a lot, trying to find some kind of conclusion so we can all have closure. I hope B and A had nothing to do with his death, but it’ll likely be months yet before we find out for sure…if we ever do.

That’s pretty much what my life’s been about for the past few weeks. I’ll keep you guys up to date as I learn things.

Thanks for checking in. =)

The best gift I’ve ever received

Not even a full week ago, I was given the most amazing gift I’ve ever been given, and it came from Mr. J.

 

I was at work one day, and Mr. J texted me to ask if I would be home at 9 PM. Of course, I said yes, and asked why. He told me that he needed to have an important talk with me then, so I got nervous. Go figure, I got off work early that day, so I came home and cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, trying desperately to pass the time. Needless to say, it didn’t pass nearly enough time as I wanted it to, so I sat in my room for a while and watched TV. Thankfully, I found out soon after that Mr. J got off work early, so he was on his way over.

As usual, when I heard that he was on his way over, I unlocked the door so that he could just walk in when he arrived. It felt like it took FOREVER for him to get there, but in reality it was probably only half an hour or so before he finally got there. I heard the front door open, and I jumped out of my bed to go say hi, but before I could exit my bedroom, he called to me “Stay in your bed. Don’t move!”

I was COMPLETELY confused, but I did as I was told. I sat in my bed with the TV still on until he came into my room…with a KITTEN!

The kitten was tiny. He’s black and white, and his name is now Beau. Mr. J got me a kitty! He’s the sweetest thing. He’s a goof ball sometimes, but if you hold him for a second longer than he thinks he’d like, he’ll fall asleep on you and cuddle until his heart’s content. He already sleeps in bed with me, and he likely isn’t any older than 6 weeks. He’s absolutely TINY. I adore everything about him. Beau met his sisters Zoey (My 2 year old chihuahua) and La La (my other cat, 9 months old) yesterday, and Zoey adores him. La La, however, is insulted that she isn’t the baby any longer, and has been pouting at the top of her cat tree since she met him yesterday. It’s really quite funny.

Anyway, the point is, Mr. J did good. He got a million plus points, and he really made me happy. Good timing too, cause he left yesterday morning for the beach with his family for a week. How am I gonna live without him for that long? I really don’t know…I already miss him. Going to sleep without him next to me last night, was a foreign feeling somehow, and I hated it. Gotta do it again tonight, so hopefully my job will keep me busy enough during the day, that I won’t have to think about it too much.

You have no choice but to love your family…even the crazy ones!

As an aside before I start writing this entry, Mr. J and I have made up. We’re back to how we were before our fight, and it’s okay for now. I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye. That’ll come, with time, because we can’t go on like this forever, but I just wasn’t ready for it yet. I’m getting stronger everyday though, so eventually I’ll be done.

So I’m spending this weekend in Ohio, visiting my always very close knit extended family. It’s been a great (but short) trip so far, and I don’t even really know why I feel that way, because quite frankly, most of my extended family drive me up the wall. It’s been interesting though. As usual, they’re all very interested in my personal life. They’re especially interested in my love life, of course. Everyone on this side of my family wants to play matchmaker for my sister, cousin and I. We’re the 3 girls. All of our other cousins are boys, so for some reason the three of us get all the attention when it comes to relationships and potential relationships. The first question my great aunt asked me when she stepped out of the car was, “So how’s Mr. J? Are you guys still together?” She asks me that question everytime I see her. I was annoyed this time though, because I didn’t know what to say to her. I mean, you don’t tell an 80 year old woman that you’re “friends with benefits” with some guy, because he doesn’t want to date you, so I told her we were still together. I couldn’t tell her that we weren’t, because I knew she’d hear from my sister and parents (and maybe even myself, if I slipped up) various little tidbits here and there that would specify “relationship…” so I lied. Now my whole family’s heard somehow, and they all think I’m in a relationship again with Mr. J, and they’re ecstatic. It’s spurred plenty of comments from various family members such as “He’s the one. You two need to stop breaking up, and just stick it out.” and “Why do you two ever break up in the first place? I mean, you might as well just quit that, because you’re happiest when you’re together, right?” I want so badly to speak up and say, “Hey, you’re preaching to the choir here!” but I can’t…because then I’d have to run through the whole story and the actual term for our non-existent relationship, and that can’t happen.

Oh well, I mean…sometimes it feels like we ARE in a relationship, despite the truth, so the lack of a title doesn’t need to be mentioned to these people. I mean, they may be my family, and they may love me unconditionally, but there is no way in hell that they wouldn’t be the worst of all the judges if they knew the truth. I’d never hear the end of it, and quite frankly, this is enough of an emotional roller coaster AS it is, that I wasn’t willing to risk all that.

So anyway, my family is nuts. they’re big time favorite thing to do is stir up conversations about things no one wants to talk about. My poor sister has had to converse about the surgery she recently went through, and I’ve had to talk too much about my future schooling plans. As of right now, I don’t have any…because I want to have a goal when I go back to school, and right now I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. Whenever I explain that to people, they either look at me with pity in their eyes, or disappointment. Neither of those looks or feelings are welcomed, so I generally try to avoid the topic–which is why it’s so rough having to be here with all these family members. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all to death, but they sure know how to make a person feel like they’re in the spotlight at the wrong time.

At this point, I really just can’t wait to go home tomorrow afternoon. We’re leaving around 1-ish, and should get home around 10PM or so. Maybe then I’ll be able to breath again. Mr J says that he’ll likely be asleep when we get home, so I’ll have a night to myself at my apartment, and that might be nice.

My favorite designer labels:

Shoes: Steve Madden, Dior and Christian Louboutin.

Handbags: Louis Vuitton, Coach, Gucci, Dooney and Bourke.

Clothes: Juicy Couture, Chanel, etc.

The Best and the Worst times

 

I feel like I’m going through the best and worst times of my life, all at the same time. I don’t feel like I have very many friends right now. At least in the past, when I felt like this, I had Mr. J…but I don’t anymore. He says we’re still friends, and I’m sure that’s true, but we don’t talk on the phone or see each other as much anymore, and every time we do, I never know if it’s cause he actually wants to see me, or because I’m going through a phase where I don’t mind having sex with him even though we’re just friends. I mean, it sucks. I want him to kiss me all the time, but I hate this in between shit that we’re stuck in AGAIN! I’m thinking I might need to get away for a while, but I don’t have the strength to BE away right now. He’s all I have, even if I don’t really have him to begin with.

I just miss how things were before we broke up. It was so comfortable. I never had to worry when he wasn’t around, and I didn’t have to feel guilty (I shouldn’t even BE feeling guilty! We’re not together, and I know he isn’t feeling guilty about being around other girls) about being around other guys. This shit is just too weird for me. It’s like he’s trying to keep me around so that he has someone, until he finds someone new.

The other day, he actually said something that REALLY pissed me off, although I didn’t let on, so I’m sure he doesn’t know. We were watching some TV episode at his place, I forget what it was, and marriage was mentioned somehow. He made a joke about how he would propose to his future wife someday at a baseball game or something big like that. That comment would have been really cute a while ago…except that the whole reason we broke up was because he said he didn’t see himself with one person for the rest of his life. He didn’t see himself getting married. It just sucks, cause joke or not, that means he thinks about proposing someday…so maybe when he told me he didn’t see himself with one person, what he MEANT was that he just didn’t see himself with ME! In which case, I’m STILL wasting my time by being more than friends with him on and off right now, even if it’s just “in between.” Maybe he thinks we’re just friends that have sex…but I’m not that kinda girl. If I have sex with someone, it’s because I love them…even if I don’t (or can’t, in this case) say that out loud.

I don’t know whose more screwed up, him or me.

My heart hurt for DAYS after we broke up…and that isn’t a long time, but the only reason it ended was because after the first few days, I finally got up the nerve to call him and ask if he wanted to start hanging out as friends. We hung out that night with a few of my other friends around. It went well, although a bit awkward. The next night when we hung out a second time at his place with no one else around, he kissed me. Ever since then, it’s felt like we were in a relationship again without the title–only when he wanted to be. He kept asking me if it was a bad idea, and I said yes, but that I didn’t care. I go days where my heart hurts again because we don’t talk, because he doesn’t call, and I’ve lost my own nerve to call. It’s back and forth and it’s messing with my head. If you’re gonna break up with a girl, don’t DO anything else but be broken up. I’m not strong enough to tell him to stop kissing me, because truthfully, I WANT him to!!! I’m not over it yet. If he wasn’t over it, we’d still be together, but we aren’t…so he’s kissing me like it’s a game.

Today’s one of my down days, and possibly the night I’m gonna have the mental breakdown about it that I’ve been dreading. My pillow smells like him. I couldn’t sleep when I got home from Washington last night because it smelled like him, and he wasn’t here.

I stayed at his place for the first time since we’d broken up (he’d stayed at mine a few times though) 2 nights ago, and it felt so comfortable. While we were dating, that’s where we stayed together most nights. I’d been avoiding it, because I knew that if I stayed there, I would feel like I’d come home to something that wasn’t mine to begin with, and it would suck harder when I had to stay home alone at my own place again. I was right, and I shoulda listened to my own head, cause it really sucks staying alone now.

I don’t know if I’m done with this or not, but I think at some point I’ll need to be…cause the longer I put it off, the more it’s gonna hurt the day he tells me that he’s found someone else, which is bound to happen since we’re only “friends” now.

Oh, you know what else pissed me off the other day? He asked me if I’d kissed anyone since we’d broken up. Of course I haven’t, so I told him no and then I asked him the same question. He thought about it for a second and then said no too. Sure it’s a good conversation to have, but we’d had sex the night before…and then had sex again later that night. People that are having sex should be the only one’s kissing each other…but since he asked that question, obviously he doesn’t feel that way. It made me feel dirty…and in the few seconds it took for him to answer the question, I almost had a heart attack. I thought for sure he was going to say yes, and I was naive enough to assume that because he was kissing ME and sleeping with ME, regardless of being in a relationship, the answer to those questions should have been an obvious no on both accounts.

It just sucks.

Mr. J is afraid of commitment, but dating isn’t marriage. He’s not stupid enough that he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone he really cared about, so I guess that means he really IS just kissing me as a friend. I wish I was capible of that, but I’m not. When I kiss him, it’s very different.

I ask myself all the time in my head, “Why aren’t we together?” I have to keep reminding myself that the answer is either because he’s moved on, or because he only sees me as a friend. I hate both of those answers.

Oh one more thing he did that sucked to hear: He told me a story about him and his best friend going bowling. His best friend, JJ, brought along a girl that he’d been crushing on and introduced her to Mr. J. Mr. J tried to convince JJ to ask the girl out, and was frustrated that he wasn’t doing it, so he told JJ that is he didn’t ask the girl out, he would do it himself just to spite him. WHY would he tell me that he considered asking out another girl??? Did he tell me this to break my heart on PURPOSE, or did he really think I’d find it funny? Even if he was asking the girl out to spite his friend out of frustration, I don’t wanna hear about it, because the IDEA of him dating any other girl for any reason makes me cringe and hurt.

I don’t blame him. I still think he’s a great guy, and a great friend…I’m really just JEALOUS of Mr. J. See, he got over “us” a lot faster than I could. I’m still stuck behind so that things like that hurt rather than make me laugh like they would if I were truly just his friend. I’m also screwed up because a part of me is so much happier having him AT ALL, than not at all…that I could never really tell him any of this in person, for fear that he really never would kiss or hold me again. I freak out about it a lot, but at the end of the day, I always wish he was lying next to me while I fall asleep. I think he’s the one person I’ve ever met that CHOSE to be in my life, and hasn’t left it yet. When he came back from being away for a year, he promised me he’d never leave me out of his life again, and I really believe that. I wouldn’t believe that if anyone else told me, but I know Mr. J rarely goes back on a promise. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be.

I should have just shut up that day he sent me the text message about not being sure if he saw himself with one person. Maybe if I hadn’t gotten freaked out, we’d still be together. No, that’s not true. I want to be someone’s “one person.” Maybe someday if Mr. J realizes he wants that kind of relationship, it’ll work out for him. Maybe not with me, because if it takes him too much longer to realize it, hopefully I’ll be moved on and it won’t matter to me anymore.

He is my best friend though. Even when he was my boyfriend, he was still the best friend I’ve ever had. At least I know that’ll never go away.

Shoes!!

I went into the city yesterday to do some shopping, and also to walk in the “Walk From Obesity” on the national mall in Washington DC. It was incredible. Several THOUSAND people showed up from around the world. One of the actresses from The Soprano’s was there too, and she did a big speech before we began the half mile walk. It was really awesome. I hope I can do more stuff like that in the future, to help raise awareness for an issue. I’ve never been considered obese, but I think that Obesity affects everyone somehow. My sister was obese. I was there with her and for her. We had a great time.

 

While we were in DC, we stopped for a few hours at Tysons Mall in McLean VA, and I came home with two of the most AMAZING Steve Madden shoes in the world. I’m in love with both of them, and it was nearly impossible for me to wanna take them off when it was time for bed. I did though (cause who REALLY wants to sleep in their heeled shoes??).

I hope you’re all having a wonderful week, and I promise to update soon with another thought provoking (HA!) entry about love and sex soon. I have some great ideas for you, so stick around! =)

Memories fit into a room, like ghosts inside a house.

I had a conversation with my aunt a few days ago. We were talking about ghosts (one of the few beliefs we both share…) and she told me this one story about a “ghost” that appeared now and then in a hotel to warn guests staying in a certain room, of a fire that once spread through the hotel killing her, and her betrothed. Of course, the fire that she’s talking about happened more than a hundred years ago, but the poor lady cannot rest (who could blame her? This fire killed her and her fiance the day of the wedding!). I don’t know if I believe she’s a ghost, or simply a memory. A parapsychologist I watched a show about, once said that she thinks some memories can leave such an imprint on a place, that it’s as if those events replay over and over again, on some level. That could explain why the poor girl was so sure the fire that killed her was still blazing, even 100 years later.

As for me, I suppose I can see how that theory makes a lot of sense. I mean, I’ve certainly never experienced anything like that, but I’ve had moments in my life occur in rooms of my own home, and sometimes when I walk into it, even long after it’s happened, something hits me. The images in my mind replay, and I see the event as if it’s happening again in my head. What makes a memory last forever in a room, or even just in the mind? Does it have to be something we care about, or something terrible that happened? Can memories that were wonderful impact a room just as much? Why is it that we rarely hear stories of “ghosts” that were happy?

The Perks of Being Single

Since Mr. J and I broke up, I’ve never been hit on by so many men in my life. I suppose you could call it a “perk of the single life,” but I’m not enjoying it the way so many would. It’s actually driving me a little but insane. Yesterday evening, my brother called me up and put me on the phone with some guy he’d just met at the pool, in an attempt to “hook us up.” How awkward! This is how the phone conversation went:

Him: “Hello.”

Me: “Hello? Who is this?”

Him: “This is like the most random phone call ever but, my name’s M. Your brother was just talking to me, and he thinks we would make a good couple.”

Me: “Oh I see. Um, this is kinda a bad time for me I guess.”

Him: “Oh yeah, he told me about Mr. J.”

Me: Yeah, I’m just going through a bad breakup.”

Him: “Well I totally understand that. If you ever wanna meet though, I’m at the pool all the time, so S should bring you along someday.”

Me: “Oh okay. Thanks.!”

Him: “I’ll give you back to S now. Nice talking to ya.”

It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever experianced. Sure, M sounded like a really nice guy, but the timing is so off, for me to start meeting new people like that. Maybe someday I’ll be back in the game, but for now I’m pretty much gonna enjoy just being me. No need to rush into another mind numbing relationship only to get hurt again.

So when is it the right time to join the real world again?

And the Oscar goes to…

I guess at this point, it’s easier to admit that I might actually move on from Mr. J. The idea of that happening has freaked me out for years…but I guess it’s something I have to do. I have him built up in my head as this person that fits into my little world so pefectly, when the truth is, I guess he really never did…but man did I love him.

Going through a breakup, I’m realizing that maybe the best way to get over someone is to start by first convincing the REST of the world that you’re over it…because eventually you’ll start to believe what everyone else does, and you’ll be done. So I’m starting my acting spree now. No more crying unless I’m alone in my room…I’m over this.

Yes…I’m so over this. Can’t you tell?

The (not-so-obvious) difference between men and women.

The conversation Mr. J and I had last night, ended up in a breakup. Not just any breakup, but a mind numbing, excruciatingly painful one. I was so sure about him…

Anyway, of course a breakup like that makes me wonder. Why are men and women so different when it comes to commitment? Here I was, ready as anything to admit that I was with this man forever, and he couldn’t hardly make it through the first few months. Women like me, tend to think with their hearts…while men like Mr. J think with their brains. Who’s in the right? His fear of commitment might be smart, but my desire to be with someone (him!) forever is just as strong.

I read somewhere recently that a study made about Men, and their “fear of commitment” showed that it wasn’t marriage men fear, so much as it is a BAD marriage. Maybe that’s true, but is it really worth risking a good relationship to protect yourself from a bad marriage? I mean, why did Mr. J’s fear of ending up in a relationship with the wrong person have to make him decide to stop working on ours? I wasn’t expecting him to know or think that I might be “the one,” but I expected him to keep the option on the table. Why was it easier for him to watch me walk away, than to say he wanted to keep trying to ’see what happens?’